Counseling Harmed Spouses as They
Contemplate Divorce
by DARBY STRICKLAND------------------------------------
Preface. This article discusses the difficult topic of divorce, specifically
how to help a counselee wrestling with the decision to end their marriage. Before we begin, let me establish the foundational principles that
undergird the help this article provides. First, this article presumes that
biblical grounds have already been established for divorce by the counselee’s church and therefore they will not be discussed here. From this
starting point, I will provide ways for counselors and pastors to carefully help harmed spouses make wise, God-honoring decisions regarding
their marriages. Though my case study will focus on a wife, the same
principles apply when the husband is the one harmed. Second, I believe
the process laid out in this article is best implemented when a helper
works in collaboration with the couple’s church, and I urge helpers to
make every effort to do so. Churches are best suited to walk with people through the questions and implications of divorce. God wants the
people we are caring for to make this significant decision guided by his
Word and his people.
* * *
38 Counseling Harmed Spouses | Strickland
Trina was exhausted. She sat in the rubble of her marriage, overwhelmed with questions about next steps. A little lie crept into her
thinking. Trina began wishing that she could go back in time—a time
before she knew about her husband’s deception and affairs. It was easier
not to know. She thought, “I was happy then.” Clint’s tears and distress
were obvious as she sat across from him, but she had no idea whether
she could trust his words. Was he remorseful or just embarrassed? He
was caught, and words were just spinning out of his mouth. She was
deceived for so long that it was hard for her to know what was true. Even
if her husband wished to remain faithful at that moment, would he be
able to? Would he fight to cast off his deeply ingrained sin patterns? It
was painful to hope.
Any spouse who has been harmed by another’s serious sins carries
the burden of identifying how to move forward. It is weighty, requires
discernment, and has tremendous implications. Just because divorce is
an option does not mean it is the best one. In fact, choosing to divorce
your spouse is painful and costly. Yet remaining married to someone who
is more committed to their sin than their marriage can be even more
painful and costly. No pathway forward will be free from fear and suffering, so I have found it helpful to have a process to guide these difficult
conversations. I want harmed spouses to make their decisions from a
position of faith, not fear.
One principle to remember before we consider how to talk specifically about the possible dissolution of a marriage is when to have that
in-depth conversation. When I engage the topic of divorce with spouses,
it is usually because they initiated the conversation. I am very careful
about when I introduce the possibility because I want to be aware of
how my counselee’s heart is responding to their situation before I do so.1
Generally, it is best to wait until some time has passed since the initial
crisis to see how the Lord works in both spouses’ lives. Even then, I
believe that divorce should be considered slowly and carefully. Consider
this encouragement from Proverbs 18:15, “An intelligent heart acquires
knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge.” To make a wise
1. I do not share the same hesitation when I see the need for a separation for safety
reasons; in those moments, I am more directive.
Counseling Harmed Spouses | Strickland 39
decision about this life-altering choice, everyone involved will need to
do the slow and careful work of sifting through the rubble of the crisis,
seeking the knowledge that God reveals. This takes time.
When I first met with Trina, divorce was the last thing on her mind.
The situation she described to me appeared to be one of irreparable
damage, but it was not my job to share my
thoughts or stand in the way of what God
wanted to reveal and redeem. It is also
important to point out that some spouses
who have been betrayed, like Trina, will
not even consider a divorce. We want to
tread very carefully here and seek to understand how and why they are going in one
direction or another. Many of my counselees do not bring up divorce and some
clearly state that it is off the table. Other
times, a spouse is not given a choice. The
offending spouse simply states they are
leaving the marriage.
This article addresses the narrow instances in which a harmed spouse
has grounds for divorce and is signaling that they are beginning to contemplate it. There are multiple factors to consider, and it is important
to facilitate a comprehensive discussion of whatever is needed in each
situation. For the purposes of this article however, I have narrowed the
discussion to four key counseling priorities:
1. help a spouse accurately assess what occurred in the marriage,
2. examine the impact of the offense(s),
3. consider together what is currently happening, and
4. remind them that God will provide direction for their decision
and hope for their future as they contemplate how to move
forward.
Each one of these priorities brings more clarity on how one might
respond to covenant-breaking sin and, taken together, they offer a roadmap to keep you on track.
Portions of Isaiah 42 will serve as our guide as we walk through these
considerations.
This chapter in Isaiah is written to a people enduring the
To make a wise
decision about this
life-altering choice,
everyone involved
will need to do the
slow and careful
work of sifting
through the rubble
of the crisis, seeking
the knowledge that
God reveals.
40 Counseling Harmed Spouses | Strickland
pain of exile. These pains are not unlike those a betrayed spouse endures.
Overrun by Babylon, Israel was devastated, its temple destroyed, and
its treasure plundered. Their relational, economic, and social securities
were under siege. Marital violations have much the same effect—harmed
spouses are devastated, what was once sacred is now destroyed, and they
face an uncertain future.
Further, many spouses in crisis feel like Israel did at this moment
in history: abandoned by God. But this chapter displays God’s care for
his people, reminds us of who God is, and how he works. It is rich with
the promises of the coming hope of Jesus and his justice—all of which
are comforts for those sitting amid marital ruin. It is therefore a helpful
passage to have open and refer to as we sit with harmed spouses.
After these discussions, I will identify some pitfalls to avoid as you
seek to be a guide in this process. But let’s begin our discussion now by
addressing the four counseling priorities.
Help Accurately Assess What Occurred in the Marriage
After seeing the images that Clint had swapped with other women,
Trina found a stash of hotel receipts and other evidence that led her
to confront him about his affairs. But she almost didn’t go through
with it. For a week she sat alone and in shock with the knowledge of
his betrayals. She feared what would happen next. If she exposed his
sin, would he leave? Would he be happy to run off with one of his
mistresses? How would she provide for herself and her children? Would
he want to work things out? How could she ever be close to him again?
Those pictures made her sick. How could he take delight in such evil?
Why did she fail to see it? How could he repeatedly lie? How could she
not have known?
These questions began to overwhelm her. She did not know how to
pray; words failed her. Heartbroken and filled with fear, she called her
small group leader for help. As the phone rang, she knew there was no
going back. For days she entertained the idea of ignoring what she knew,
but once she told someone, she would have to confront the reality of
what occurred.
Trina is not unlike many of the women I have worked with. They are
afraid to face what really happened. Sometimes they are tempted to avoid
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