[마음근원연구] Getting to the Heart of Conflict: Anger, Part 3

Getting to the Heart of Conflict:Anger, Part 3

By David Powlison

Conflict concerns all of us: you, me, the people

with whom we live and work. This is the third

1
in a series of articles on anger problems, but

this time we’ll broaden the subject beyond anger, perse. Anger problems are only one strand in the largerproblem of interpersonal conflict. Yes, angry actionsand emotions often seize center stage in conflicts, butan extended family of reactions each play their part inthe real-life drama: fear, hurt, self-pity, gossip, avoid-ance, escapist comfort-seeking, lying, manipulation,even perverse joy.

To understand and solve anger problems, we mustdeal with conflict in all its forms. People fight witheach other and with God; sinful anger is but one of theweapons. We fight our neighbors and our Ruler, bothby nature and by nurture. As sinners, we naturallycontend for our presumed self-interest. We also learnhow to fight more effectively by extensive and inten-sive practice. And we learn from others, both by expe-riencing their hostilities and by watching how theyfight. Each of us is a “quick study” because we havethe aptitude!

Warmaking is a prime trait of sinners. It’s theimage of Satan: liar, murderer, divider, aggressor.Peacemaking is about God in Christ and about humanbeings renewed in His image. The Lord is the supremePeacemaker. Even in His common grace, God inhibitsthe outworking of evil’s logic, often preventinghuman life from disintegrating into anarchy and bar-barity. Those forms of partial peace negotiated and

sustained by diplomats, mediators, counselors, andother well-intended people are gifts of common grace.But God’s special grace is even more profoundlyabout peacemaking. Warlike humans surrender toChrist. He made peace once for all between us andGod; He continues to make peace, teaching us to dothe same with each other; and He will make peace,finally and forever.

This article will weave together several things.First, we will look at the Scriptures, and several keytruths the Lord teaches us about war and peace. Thisinvolves asking the questions, “When God looks atyour conflicts, what does He see?,” and “How doesGod make right what is wrong?” The Scriptures revealGod’s gaze, the criteria by which He continually eval-uates human life, and they also reveal the means bywhich human problems are redeemed. I will alsoencourage you to look at yourself, and will give toolsfor pursuing change. What do you do that perpetuatesconflict? Why do you fight? How can you pursue rec-onciliation? Real change happens when biblical truthand personal honesty intersect in repentance, faith,and obedience.

Looking into the Mirror of Scripture

Let’s begin with Scripture. The Bible is packedwith stories and teachings about anger, conflict, andalienation—and how to solve such problems. Any-thing the Bible discusses frequently must be a univer-sal struggle. We may each put our own spin on sin,but the basic sins indwell us all. For example, Titus 3:3offers this general assessment of the human race out-side Christ’s rule: “Spending our life in malice andenvy, hateful, hating one another.” Not a pretty pic-ture. Some people are more civilized about it, some

1The first two parts of this series of articles on angerappeared in 14:1 (Fall 1995) and 14:2 (Winter 1996) of theJournal of Biblical Counseling. A fourth installment, dealingwith counseling methodology, will follow.

32

The Journal of Biblical Counseling • Volume 16 • Number 1 • Fall 1997

less, but all look out for Number One in some funda-mental way, and collide with others looking out forthe same thing.

Consider the representative “works of the flesh”that Paul lists in Galatians 5:19-21. More than half theitems describe some aspect of conflict: “enmities,strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissen-sions, factions, envying.”2 Consider also 1 Corinthians10:13, “There is no temptation that has overtaken you

that is not common to all.” When it comes to interper-sonal conflict, all of us are like participants in an AAmeeting. Instead of, “My name is David and I’m analcoholic,” we could well introduce ourselves, “Myname is David – or Sally, Joe, Chung, José, or Lateesha– and I get into conflicts.”

Think about it this way. Imagine that you hold twofat, hardcover books, one in each hand. One bookstands for you, the other for the person you quarrelwith – your brother or sister, parent, child, spouse,roommate, pastor, coworker or boss, next door neigh-bor. Imagine that you bang the two books together.One closed book beats against the other. Two peoplego at it.

The battle may take a hundred forms. Maybe oneparty wheels out the heavy artillery of direct verbal orphysical assault; maybe the other tends to run andhide. Some conflicts are mere skirmishes; others areall-out nuclear war. Maybe one or both parties goaround enlisting allies: would-be counselors are primecandidates for such service. Appeasement appears asthe strategy of choice in one situation, bullying inanother. Maybe one person uses suicide bombs: “I’lldrink and mess up my life, and then you will feel bad.”Sometimes the arguments get nasty, like a 48-inch pipegushing raw sewage. Other times it’s just a drippingfaucet of derogatory attitudes and snide words: snip,snip, bicker, bicker, pick, pick. In any event, the twobooks collide. But in every case, the books are closed.Each party blames the other and feels the unassailablelogic of self-righteousness and self-pity. Neither stops

to open his own book and ask, Why am I fighting?The Bible intends to separate the combatants andopen the books.3 The Holy Spirit speaks and acts tobring intelligent conviction of sin. Consider Hebrews4:12-13. All of us lie open, laid bare before the eyes ofHim with whom we have to do. God sees exactlywhat’s going on. His assessment is accurate and inar-guable. The Word of God, living and active, discernsthose thoughts and intentions of the heart that theSearcher of hearts sees and evaluates. What does Hesee when He “opens the books” of individuals in con-

flict?
We could look in many places, but James 3-4 is the

classic, extended passage that speaks the mind ofChrist to this issue. James 3 begins by reminding usthat we are accountable for what we say. James, writ-ing as the servant of God, notes the significance andpower of the tongue: a small rudder sets the course ofan entire ship. An unchecked tongue has devastatingeffects: a spark can ignite a forest. James exposes thehypocrisy of claiming to know God while attackingthose made in His image.

Then, in James 3:13-4:12, the Holy Spirit summa-rizes the problem and solution: (1) The demanding,self-exalting heart will bear the fruit of chaos and con-flict; (2) God is jealous for our loyalty, destroying hisenemies, but gracious and generous to the repentant;(3) The wise, humble, receptive heart will bear fruit ofa life of peacemaking. These themes appear in manyvariations. No more accurate, profound, and thoroughanalysis of the dynamics of conflict has ever been writ-ten. No more hopeful and condensed description ofthe dynamics of peace could be written. No morepowerful promise of aid has ever been given. James 3-

The Lord is the supreme Peacemaker.

The Journal of Biblical Counseling • Volume 16 • Number 1 • Fall 1997

33

4 places us in the light of the unrelenting gaze of God,and promises grace upon grace.

Why Do You Fight?

For example, James 4:1-3 is intended to get eachquarreling party to open his own book. James asks thequestion, “What causes fights and quarrels amongyou?” Why do you fight? James does NOT say, “Youare fighting because the other person is a blockhead;because your hormones are raging; because a demonof anger took up residence; because humans have anaggression gene hardwired in by our evolutionary

tations.”
The irony here is that, in my experience, people

with a secularizing bent find the Bible too obviousand simplistic. “Of course” people get angry whenthey don’t get what they want; there must be some-thing “deeper” to really explain problems. But secularpsychology misses the core issue; it plucks out its owneyes. The expectations that lead to conflict revealsomething fundamental about where the combatantsstand with respect not just to each other but to GodHimself.

Contrary to secular assumptions, nothing lies“deeper” than the lusts that lead to conflict. Our crav-ings rule our lives; they directly compete with GodHimself for lordship. No problem is more profoundand more pervasive. James 4:1 says that such God-playing desires “battle” within us. This does not meanthat desires battle against us or with each other. Theseare our desires, expressing who we are. The metaphorenvisions siege warfare, an army digging in aroundthe city. Our desires become entrenched... hence wefight and wage war. We would act as peacemakers ifwe obeyed the Lord instead of asserting our desires.But where you find quarrels and fights, you are wit-nessing people obeying the desires of a different lord.

Who Are You When You Judge?

There is nothing superficial, obvious, or simplisticabout the Bible’s analysis. Combatants don’t see thereal problem. Neither do would-be counselors whotry to explain and help them while ignoring the Bible.This understanding of the profound sin that drivesinterpersonal conflict is further explained by James4:11-12. We judge others—criticize, nit-pick, nag,attack, condemn—because we literally play God. Thisis heinous. “There is only one Lawgiver and Judge,the one who is able to save and to destroy; but whoare you to judge your neighbor?” Who are you whenyou judge? None other than a God wannabe. In thiswe become like the Devil himself (no surprise that theDevil is mentioned in James 3:15 and 4:7). We actexactly like the adversary who seeks to usurp God’sthrone and who acts as the accuser of the brethren.When you and I fight, our minds become filled withaccusations: your wrongs and my rights preoccupyme. We play the self-righteous judge in the mini-king-doms we establish: “You are so stupid, cruel, insensi-tive, selfish. You’ve gotten in my way. You don’t get it.You are a hindrance to my agenda.”

What is an argument? In an argument, you offendME by crossing my will. I respond by confessing youroffenses to you. At the same time, I explain to youhow all my failings are really your fault. If only you

history; because your father used to react in the sameway; because core needs are not being met; becauseyou woke up on the wrong side of the bed and had abad day at work.” Instead, James says, you fightbecause of “your desires that battle within you. Youwant something but don’t get it.” The biblical analysisis straightforward and cuts to the core. You fight forone reason: because you don’t get what you want. Itdoes “take two to tango.” So why are you in thedance? You fight because your desire, what pleases ordispleases you, what you long for and crave, is frus-trated. When Scripture enters on the scene of conflict,the colliding books are no longer closed. Each is laiddown on the table and opened up before God.

The world gropes after this truth and, at the sametime, runs from it. Any secular marriage and familytherapist can point out how people get into conflictsbecause of crossed “expectations.” Such a therapistcan often get people to articulate what their (perhapspreviously unspoken) expectations really are. Theymay even help clients to evaluate and alter some ofthose expectations, thus creating a more harmoniousclimate. But the problem of self-centered craving isnot really addressed. Clients simply find other, lessproblematic ways to get what they want. In any case,the conflicts that cry out for a repentant heart beforeGod are dealt with by suppressing the truth of what isreally going on. Secular counselors may be descrip-tively insightful, but they cannot see the anti-Goddrive that operates within such interpersonal “expec-

34

The Journal of Biblical Counseling • Volume 16 • Number 1 • Fall 1997

were different, I wouldn’t be the way I am. You do thesame to me, confessing my sins to me and excusingyour own. Nowhere in the heat of conflict does any-one confess his own sins, except as a way to buy timefor a counterattack: “Yeah, I was wrong to do that,but....” The log remains firmly planted in the eye(Matthew 7:1-5) as each party plays lawgiver andjudge. “But there is one Lawgiver and Judge, He who

have started it; what he said and did to you mayindeed be worse than what you said and did back. Butwhen God opens the books, He shows you your par-ticipation in the conflict, what you bring, by the prideof your god-playing and willfulness. God’s perspec-tive reveals how the wills of two petty gods lie at theheart of those quarrels and fights.

Come Honestly to the Giver of Grace

We have looked into Scripture, at how Jamesrelentlessly dissects conflict and opens up an unsus-pected dimension. Now let’s look more specifically atourselves, and at the dynamics of grace. I would liketo begin with a story. One of the first conflicts that mywife and I solved actually involved four small argu-ments in a row. That is significant in itself. You willfind that many arguments are patterned. They arerepeatedly triggered by the same sort of situation, andthey play out the same themes, as if the two partiesfollow a script and act on cue. In our case, things gottense between Nan and me on four successive Sundayevenings in June. We had been married less than ayear, and I was working as a summer intern in ourchurch. Let me set the stage, first from my vantagepoint, and then from Nan’s.

For me, Saturday was a busy, high-pressure day. Iwas focused on preparing for Sunday’s events. Manyactivities would come to a head throughout that day.Sunday morning I got up early to finish preparing topreach, teach, and lead worship. The day was intense,filled with many responsibilities and with people,people, people. I’d talk with people, listen attentively,express care and concern, try to help, pray. I’d counselboth informally and formally. In the afternoon weoften extended hospitality. I often had to preach in theevening or lead worship, so further preparations—both finalizing content and collecting my soul—would fill the late afternoon. After the last conversa-tion had ended, Nan and I would get home abouteight o’clock Sunday night. I had one thing on mymind: rest. I defined rest as the peace and quiet tosavor the sports page, to sip a tall glass of iced guavajuice, to nibble my way through a handful of Fig New-tons. I was ready to close up shop on relating to fellowhuman beings.

Meanwhile, what was Nan experiencing? For theprevious two days she had supported her husband inall the things he had to do. She had prayed for each ofmy responsibilities, and had borne with my preoccu-pation. She had watched me talk with other people,offering them a seemingly endless supply of hospital-ity, patience, attentiveness, and biblical input inresponse to their needs and concerns. She, too, had

Two key themes lie at the heartof conflict: grasping demandand self-exaltation.

is able to save and to destroy. Who are you that youjudge your neighbor?” Here we see that at the heart ofinterpersonal conflict, a far more profound conflictrages: the presumptuous sinner stands at odds withthe one true God.

James 4:1 and 4:12 sound the two key themes thatlie at the heart of conflict: grasping demand and self-exaltation.4 Each of us says, in effect, “My will bedone, and damn you if you cross me.” To find God’ssolution to conflicts, you must ask and answer thequestions, “What do I want?” and “How am I playingGod in asserting my will?” Such a profound andexplicit analysis of the “vertical dimension” in inter-personal conflict provides the key that begins tounlock it. As long as we remain only in the “horizon-tal dimension,” there will be no genuine and lastingpeace.

For this reason, all secular forms of peacemakingare inescapably shallow. Without the vertical dimen-sion, at best one makes compromises born of “enlight-ened” and mutual self-interest. Humility before theliving God and love for neighbor are impossible, andnot even dreamed of. But where conviction of sinbefore God occurs, genuine peacemaking becomes notonly possible but logical. Yes, the other person may

The Journal of Biblical Counseling

• Volume 16 •

Number 1 •

Fall 1997

35

been active in hospitality or teaching Sunday school.Now we finally had an opportunity to be together, anopportunity to talk intimately and personally, anopportunity to look at the week ahead and do someplanning and praying. Come Sunday night at eighto’clock, Nan had one thing on her mind: personal con-necting. She wanted a sympathetic and listening ear,someone to hear how her weekend had gone, to bearher burdens and share her joys, to walk arm-in-arminto the next week.

Do you get the picture? There’s only one traintrack but two trains heading towards each other. Thenorthbound and the southbound trains are due to col-lide at precisely eight o’clock Sunday evening whenwe arrive back home! You can see exactly what’sgoing on in terms of James 3-4. Joe Pastor andJosephine Pastor’s-wife are not a pretty picture at thismoment. What was the cause of the quarrel, theunhappy bickering, the self-pitying sense of not beingunderstood and loved, the self-righteous sense ofoffense? Is it not your pleasures, your cravings, theexpectations that have dug in deep in your soul? I wasruled by my desire for pleasurable R & R. Nan wasruled by the desire for intimacy. The all-too-pre-dictable result? A weekly quarrel.

A question immediately rises up in most minds,particularly in the participants to conflict. What’swrong with what I want? In the story above, isn’t restone of the commandments of God? What’s wrongwith wanting to enjoy the good gifts of food, drink,and leisure at the end of a long day, and before theweek that lies ahead? Isn’t sabbath refreshment, lay-ing burdens down, one of God’s good blessings? Andisn’t intimacy, a husband’s nourishing and cherishinghis wife, the mutuality of bearing burdens and shar-ing joys, one of the commandments of God? What’swrong with wanting your husband to care about you,too, along with all the other people he talked with atchurch? Isn’t being loved one of God’s good bless-ings? One of the things that keeps our books tightlyclosed is how plausible our desires seem to us.

(Too) Great Expectations

What’s wrong with what I want? Scripture, the HolySpirit’s X-ray of the heart, makes clear that when suchdesires rule, they produce sin, not love... and so theyshow themselves corrupt. God sees into the heart ofconflict; He sees the private kingdom we each create.We each ascend to the throne, making our desires forblessings into the will of a god: I crave, I need, thismust be. We each had fallen prey to sin’s insanity andself-defeating futility. I was willing to quarrel in orderto get peace and quiet! Nan was willing to quarrel in

order to get intimacy! Often it is not the object of a per-son’s desire that is the problem; it is the “encamp-ment” that corrupts. There is nothing per se wrongwith wanting either rest or intimacy. But when I wantit too much, when it rules me, I sin against the Ruler ofheaven and earth. When our expectations dig in, weinevitably sin against each other, too. “I’ve gotta haveit! It’s mine! I demand my rights. I need to meet myneeds. You’re getting in the way of my precious, cher-ished longings! You’re messing with my program tocontrol reality. You’re not meeting my expectations.”

What do you want? How are you playing God?Those are not exotic questions, meant to send you onsome introspective idol-hunt or an archeologicalinvestigation into shaping influences from your past.Ask the questions straightforwardly. They have anobjective, present-time answer. You aren’t probing fora subjective experience, a feeling, an elusive momentof insight. You want something as tangible and as fatalas Ebola virus: “What exactly do you want that makesyou warlike, when Christ’s rule would make youpeaceable?” Answer honestly, and you will have iden-tified WHY you participate in sinful conflict.5 Thereare no deeper reasons for your sinful anger. Violationof the “first great commandment” is the deepestmotive of all.6 In moments of conflict I loved rest more

36

The Journal of Biblical Counseling • Volume 16 • Number 1 • Fall 1997

than I loved the living God; Nan loved personal con-necting more than she loved the living God. My out-ward sins in the situation included a grumbling atti-tude and critical words, but those works of the flesherupted from the craving for my own utopian versionof time off. Nan’s outward sins included a grumblingattitude and critical words, but those sins poured out

of the craving for her own paradise of marital intima-cy.7 For both of us—as for all of us—the horizontal sinsregister and express the vertical sins.

Those vertical sins are so serious that they meritthe blunt labels the Spirit uses in James 3:13-4:12: “badzeal and selfish ambition,” “pleasures, lusts, andenvy” “adultery” against God (i.e., idolatry), “love ofthe world,” “pride,” “double-mindedness,” and“playing God.” We are meant to live with God on thethrone, with a wide-open heart to Him and others. Buta contentious, judgmental person has shriveled upinside, becoming closed and hard to both God andneighbor. In attempting to ascend to the throne ofjudgment and control reserved for God alone, hebecomes perverted, corrupted, polluted. He becomes,in fact, Satanic. He acts in the image of the accuser ofthe brethren, an adversary of the well-being of others,an unlawful bringer of destruction, a tyrant and vigi-lante. On the outside, a contentious person speaks rot-ten words that tear down rather than build up, thatdeal out condemnation rather than give grace (Eph-esians 4:29). On the inside, a person swept up in sinfulanger has become demonic and diabolical—in thetruest sense—an image-bearer of the great and wrath-ful critic of God’s people (James 3:15, 4:7). God intendsa different image, that we become bearers of mercy,redemption, and aid to others, even—particularly—intheir sins.

What happens when warmakers come to see the

significance and scope of this inner dimension of con-flict? We are brought up short. We are humbled forspecific sins before the face of God. The Searcher ofhearts catches us by the collar and makes us look inthe mirror. No wriggling away. Imagine glancing at asmall, grainy, black-and-white photograph of theGrand Canyon, circa 1890. That’s paying lip service tothe idea that “specific sins are the fruit of specificlusts.” Now imagine actually standing at the canyonrim from pre-dawn darkness until the full light of day.At first you peer down into inky darkness. But as thesky slowly brightens, impenetrable darkness gradual-ly gives way to gray. You begin to discern the shapesand contours of the abyss below. You see dimly whatwas right in front of you all along. That’s what it’s liketo identify by name the specific lusts that characteris-tically produce your battles. Finally, as the sun breaksforth, the rocks begin to glow with every color of fire.The canyon blazes, and you see everything in vividdetail. That’s specific conviction of what is true: “Myanger at you—not only my cutting and defensivewords, but the dismissive attitude, the negative,damning spin I put on everything you did, the posi-tive, justifying spin I put on my own performance, theevasions, the gush of self-righteous and self-pityingemotions and thoughts, all these and more—expressed my diabolical pride against God and myrestless demand for what I want.” James 3:14-4:12 hasbeen overlaid upon the details of real life.

Pursuing Grace

What happens next? James 4:6 makes a staggeringpromise: God gives more grace. God gives a greatergrace. God gives grace to the humble. Grace is moreand greater than sin. When god-players admit thetruth, they find amazing grace in Jesus: forgiveness,mercy, sanity, a fresh start, cleansing, power, freedom.

Every facet of the grace of God is tailored tocleanse and renew angry, critical, fearful, proud peo-ple.8 Those who are living deformed lives, the spittingimage of the Devil, can find the “double cure.” InJesus, those who seek will find forgiveness for suchsins. The just anger of God will turn away from thesinfully angry, falling instead upon the only innocentman. In Jesus, those who ask will receive the Spiritwho makes the dead alive and makes the warped

I was willing to quarrel
in order to get peace and quiet!

The Journal of Biblical Counseling • Volume 16 • Number 1 • Fall 1997

37

straight. They will be re-formed into the image of theSon who died for us that we might live for Him.

What must you do? Angry people must seek thisGod in repentant faith. James 4:6-10 says that over andover. The Lord proposes a radically “vertical” solutionfor the radically vertical problem of the heart. It isinteresting how relentlessly God-centered this solu-tion is. Submit to God and resist the devil, rather thanvice versa. Draw near to God. The devil will flee andGod will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands (fromthose outward expressions of sin, the “chaos andevery evil practice,” the “quarrels and conflicts,” the“speaking against one another”). Purify your heart(from those inward defections, the double-minded-ness that professes God but serves gods). Grieve overwhat you have done. Humble yourself in the presenceof the Lord. Notice how present God is. Notice howrelational the solution is. We need to seek and findSomeone who will be gracious, Someone with thepower to help us. To really solve the heart of conflictis to enter into God’s presence. If our conflicts werefueled by our usurping God’s place, peace will be pro-duced as the grace of Jesus Christ reinstates God’s rulein our hearts.

James is distinctly unmodern in his solution toconflict! Moderns tend to talk about particular hori-zontal strategies: “clarify your expectations, listenwell and repeat back what you’ve heard, phrase con-cerns and objections in non-condemnatory ways,count to ten before voicing anger, communicaterespect for persons amid disagreement over issues,watch your body language.” There’s nothing neces-sarily wrong with these strategies. Properly defined,they may be timely applications of James 3:17-18.Standing alone, however, they are seriously inade-quate. Although they tend to make for more harmo-nious social life, they skim right over the heart of theproblem. James’ solution cuts to the core of what’sgoing on in conflict. Solving the “religious” core givesthe recipient of grace the power and humility to pur-sue strategies that lead to genuine peace.

Peaceable Wisdom

What does this look like interpersonally? Former-ly angry people are enabled by God to give love andto make true peace. If you once attacked people, youlearn to interact constructively. James 3:17-18describes it compactly. God the gracious Giver gives“wisdom from above” (cf., 1:5, 1:17, 4:6). It is wisdom:practical, specific, walked out, talked out. It is a wayof life, the opposite in every respect to the words,tone, thoughts, actions, and attitudes of sinful anger.And it is from above, the gift of God through the Lord

Jesus Christ. He alone gives the goods that truly solveinterpersonal conflict. If you lack wisdom—and“quarrels and conflicts” are prime examples of folly—ask God (James 1:5).

This wisdom He gives is first pure. Angry peoplechurn out mental, emotional, and verbal pollution.They plot ugly things; their hypocrisy condemns oth-ers’ failings while they themselves plunge headlonginto spectacular sins. Contentious believers have

hearts that are dangerously divided: impure. Butrepentant believers begin to live a life that is pure.Simple. Straight. Pursuing the good and true. Out forothers’ welfare. Giving your life away. Not calculatingself-interest in the background.

Godly wisdom is first pure, and “then peaceable,gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, with-out partiality, without hypocrisy.” How many moreways can James say it? Peaceable people have laidaside warlike traits: defensiveness, aggression, criti-cism, self-justification, scoring points, touchiness tooffenses....These moral weeds—the “filthiness andremnant wickedness” that comes from the “anger ofman” (James 1:20-21)—are plucked up by the rootsand begin to wilt. Sweet fruit begins to grow as theWord of God and other good gifts take root: teachabil-ity, forbearance, kindness, concern that others lookgood, contentment and gratitude for the inexpressiblegift, an outlook of charity rather than peevishness.May the Prince of peace make us “irenic” (the Greekword here), replacing our instinct for contentions,quarrels, and criticisms. Jesus Himself is peaceable,the incarnation of every facet of this wisdom fromGod.

The English language has no full-orbed equivalentfor the word translated as gentleness. Jesus exhibitedthis trait so remarkably that its fragrance and col-oration marked His entire life. Here walked the Lordof glory with His own creatures. Every human beingthat Jesus met owed Him life and utter loyalty. He isYHWH, to whom temple sacrifices were offered inrepentance and gratitude. Yet most of these peopleignored Jesus, misunderstood Him, tried to use Him,reviled Him, plotted against Him. Even His own inti-mate followers, who basically loved Him, repeatedlyproved themselves dense as stones. How did He put

38

The Journal of Biblical Counseling • Volume 16 • Number 1 • Fall 1997

People in conflict havedistorted hearing and speaking.

up with it for thirty-three years?! Gentleness.
Jesus dealt gently with the ignorant and misguid-ed, even when He suffered at their hands. He wasmeek: a virtue almost beyond our imagination, theability to endure injury with patience and withoutresentment. I have known several people in whom Isaw demonstrated the first fruits of this virtue. Theirlives showed hints of radiance, a glimpse of theunveiled glory of Jesus, the loveliest thing I’ve everseen. Jesus was fundamentally and comprehensivelykind, “going about doing good.” We can understandto a degree that He was compassionate towards suf-ferers. But when we consider that the Christ’s masterpurpose was self-sacrificing mercy for His enemies,here the gentleness of Jesus exceeds comprehension.George MacDonald once captured the fragrance ofsuch gentleness this way: “It’s a painful thing to bemisjudged. But it’s no more than God puts up withevery hour of the day. But He is patient. So long as Heknows He’s in the right, He lets folk think what theylike – ‘til He has time to make them know better. Lord,make my heart clean within me, and then I’ll care lit-tle for any judgment but yours!”9 It is unfortunate that“gentle Jesus, meek and mild” has become largely aphrase of mockery, picturing someone weak and inef-fectual, a sentimental, pablum savior for children. Butmay the God of the Lord Jesus Christ give us His truegentleness, making us meek and mild. Such incompa-rable, forbearing strength is a regal attribute. This glo-rious goodness—cleanse your hands, you sinners, andpurify your hearts, you double-minded—is preciselywhat James 3-4 intends to produce in you and in me,

people so quick to take and cause offense.
The wisdom from above is also reasonable. It hasnever ceased to amaze me how reasonable Nan startsto sound once both she and I begin to repent of sinfulanger. People in conflict have distorted hearing andspeaking. We tune in to the same wavelength webroadcast on, and it’s the wrong channel: I’ll listen forand speak whatever proves you wrong and proves meright. But peaceable people send and receive on a dif-ferent wavelength: what makes for growing in thegrace and knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ. Wis-dom makes sense. It’s listenable, accurate, construc-tive, winsome—even when it says tough things. Butangry people are insane and perverse. You don’t talksense when you are contentious; malice and distortionsubvert and pervert even the attempts at truth. Youcan’t talk sense with a contentious person. But you cansay anything that’s true and constructive to a wise

person and you’ll get a fair hearing.
Naturally those who repent of an angry critical

spirit become full of mercy. If I’ve found the mercy ofJesus overflowing towards me for spectacular andfatal sins, it’s only natural for me to overflow at leasta little with the same mercy towards others for theirlesser sins against me.10 The more deeply you get tothe heart of your participation in conflict, the moreyou will understand with joy the mercy of God to you.And you’ll become correspondingly merciful andpatient towards others in their sins. If God has been sopatient with me, I can be patient with my neighbor.Angry, critical, feisty, irritable people typically don’tmuch understand this mercy of God. They can mouththe words, but their actions reveal that a lie inhabits

their hearts. They still serve lusts. And others will paythe full price for perceived transgressions. It has beeninteresting and humbling for me to ask myself,“Towards whom am I full of mercy, and towardswhom am I merciless?” I have to give a mixed answer:persons ABC are on the mercy list, and persons XYZare on the merciless list. The difference between thetwo lists has little to do with the people’s particularstrengths and failings. It boils down to my “expecta-tions,” to whether I view that person through the lensof the Redeemer’s merciful agenda or through the lensof my own instant and insistent demands. May Godbe so merciful as to make me and you persons withonly the mercy list.

You will become full of good fruits also, as you learnto make peace rather than war. The good fruits ofpeacemaking are as diverse as the evil works of war-making. Scripture gives us no exhaustive list of goodfruits. No list could ever capture the many creative,timely, and appropriate things that repentant peopledo and say as they learn to make peace. Keep yourmouth shut, when you used to blurt out a reaction.Speak up courageously, when you used to get intimi-dated. Embed your criticism of another in both appro-priate commendation and Christ-centered optimism.Treat people fairly, representing them accurately andrecognizably, rather than misrepresenting them. Speak

If God has been so patient with me,I can be patient with my neighbor.

9George MacDonald, The Marquis’ Secret, Minneapolis, Min-nesota: Bethany House, 1982, p. 58.

10Mercy can even flow towards those who did not sin per-sonally against me, but whom I have treated mercilessly!

The Journal of Biblical Counseling • Volume 16 • Number 1 • Fall 1997

39

accurately, abandoning prejudicial language;“always” and “never” are rarely true and usuallymore destructive than constructive. Speak calmly,rather than with gusts of inflammatory emotion.Speak strongly, rather than inhibited by timidity. Raisean issue you used to swallow. Overlook an offenseyou used to explode about. Solve the problem ratherthan attacking the person. Expect to see Christ atwork, rather than despairing or panicking when trou-bles come. The gentle answer turns away wrath,replacing the harsh words that stir up anger. Whenyou get the log out of your own eye, you really can seeclearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

Odds are, he’ll trust you as you do it, and he’ll loveyou for it. The cornucopia overflows.

James’ comment that peacemakers are without par-tiality is particularly striking, and points out some-thing I’ve never heard discussed. I’ve noticed thatwhen people repent of sinful anger they become ableto discuss their own sins accurately – after all, suchsins now exist in the light of Christ’s grace and will beprogressively destroyed by grace. Simultaneously,they become able to talk about other people’s sinscharitably. There is no more ax to grind, but an emerg-ing desire for the well-being of the other in the handof the merciful Redeemer. Impartial people becomeable to sort out who really contributed what to theoverall problem. Such even-handedness stands inmarked contrast with the polarization of conflict. Irecently witnessed a wife discussing her own sinswithout defensiveness, and the sins of her husbandwithout accusation. Simply, utterly amazing! Theyhad been at each other’s throats, full of anger, disap-pointment, defensiveness, and self-pity only one weekbefore. Changing her husband, punishing him, fear-ing him, getting one up on him were no longer herprerogative. She was free to get about the business ofbeing a constructive help in the process, rather than adestructive hindrance.

Finally, peacemakers are without hypocrisy. Theydon’t stir up a whole evening of trouble and misery toget a few moments of peace and quiet; they don’t stirup an evening of hostility to get loving attention. Theydon’t judge others for Little League versions of sinsagainst themselves, thereby committing major leagueversions of sins against God. People in conflict are

hypocrites. They deal out global condemnation, whilescreaming in outrage whenever they are mistakenlycriticized regarding some tiny detail of a story. Theygrouse about a spouse spending $20 on some per-ceived frivolity, while they don’t think twice aboutspending $500 on their own hobbies. They damn oth-ers as theological nincompoops and biblical ignora-muses, while they themselves subscribe to theological“distinctives” that are at best dubious and at worst flatout wrong. They accuse others of harshness... harsh-ly; they get angry at angry people; they haughtilyjudge proud people; they gossip about gossips. MayGod be merciful to us all. “And do you suppose this,O man, when you pass judgment upon those whopractice such things and do the same yourself, thatyou will escape the judgment of God?” (Romans 2:3).God gives more grace... to those who stop to look inthe mirror and get to the heart of their participation inthis world at war. That grace is effective to make realchange, in real time, with real people, in real situa-tions. He who is pure teaches us to purify ourselves.And the pure are without hypocrisy.

Real Change in Real Life

Just as God’s diagnosis maps onto real life, so welive out the cure into real life, real time. Nan and Italked differently after our “sunrise on the GrandCanyon” than we had talked before. Words cameclothed in a different tone of voice. They carried a dif-ferent attitude and intention. No longer adversariesand accusers, we began to talk honestly about ourown failings. We began to love the love of Jesus, andto pray for each other, and to worship the MercifulOne. There are three in our marriage, and one of us isperfect, good, and merciful. He’s at work. Wisdom isfeet-on-the-ground, every-word-out-of-your-mouthpractical. We were enabled to make practical, prob-lem-solving decisions.

There is nothing so unromantic as love.11 Romanticfeelings of attraction and pleasure will sometimes beassociated with love, but the essence of love is differ-ent: a commitment to act for another’s welfare. As wesolved our Sunday night bickering, Nan actuallywanted to give me rest, and I actually wanted to spendtime with her and give her personal attention. Wedecided, as a matter of policy, to define Sunday nightas a time of private rest, and to take Monday morningas a time of extended and open communication. Inter-estingly, as a matter of fact, over the rest of the sum-mer, we ended up informally “connecting” on abouthalf the Sunday evenings anyway. Somehow when

40

The Journal of Biblical Counseling • Volume 16 • Number 1 • Fall 1997

People in conflict are hypocrites.

11I am indebted to Andrée Seu for this phrase.

the lust for R & R was dethroned, I didn’t “need” pri-vate peace and quiet so much. And, not surprisingly,when the lust for intimacy was dethroned, a lot moreintimacy just seemed to happen. Those typical sur-prises occur when people get to the heart of conflictand find the needed grace.

Does this mean we never bickered again? Wouldthat it were so! But the burning cinder of iniquity mustbe extinguished daily (Luke 9:23), not once and done.During that summer almost twenty years ago, Nanand I were given a road map to the fountain of life andwere enabled to find grace. We gained an enduringunderstanding of characteristic sin patterns, and tast-ed the joys of repentance and godliness. Such under-standings are repeatedly beneficial. When we sinafresh, repentance is much less haphazard. We’refamiliar with what’s going on. We know the terrain,and where to go. We needn’t stumble around in thedark so long before seeking needed grace. Manypotential conflicts have been nipped in the bud andturned into nourishing companionship. But we are farfrom perfection, even more aware of that fact than wewere twenty years ago. On the day we see Christ, wewill be like Him, all who are in Him. From that day onthere will be no more causes of stumbling, no more“quarrels and conflicts.” The process of getting to theheart of conflict will one day be finished. Simple andpure devotion will replace double-mindedness forev-er.

What Happens to the Closed Book?

We’ve been looking at conflicts in the process ofresolution. But what about people who refuse to seethemselves, who continue to accuse others and excusethemselves? In effect, they pluck out their eyes. Theyattempt to keep their book shut tight, while bringingvigilante justice to those they hate. They won’t lookinto the mirror of the Word illuminated by the Spirit.What happens when the “log” remains impaled in theeye? You remain a slave to your encamped desires: “Ifonly my wife would change and see that I’m tired andneed to rest....If only my husband would change andsee that I’m lonely and need his love....” Irascible peo-ple remain incapable of love, digging ruts of bitter-ness, self-righteousness, self-pity, entitlement, unhap-piness, perhaps escapism, perhaps that fruitless searchfor the greener pasture of lusts fulfilled.

I’ve done personal ministry for twenty years, andhave spent thousands of hours talking with people. Inthat time, I’ve gotten to know some champions ofanger, rage, self-righteousness, and the rest of the sor-did clan. In my informal “Hall of Shame,” the fiveangriest people each said something like this: “I’m not

really an angry person....I was really a nice guy until Imet my wife/husband....I get along great with thepeople I work with. But that woman/man drives mecrazy!” Such comments express deep darkness; hedoesn’t know over what he stumbles. Such a personreally IS an angry person, contrary to self-perception.

That anger expresses cravings that Christ wouldexpose and uproot. Praise be to God that His commongrace has allowed such a person to be reasonably civilmuch of the time, rather than perpetually criminal.But “that woman/man” has been given to bring theheart into open display. The comment speaks volumesabout a person’s ignorance of reality, ignorance bothof himself and of God. The spouse doubtless has sins,perhaps serious ones. But the angry person plays god,and in so doing plays the Devil, rather than lettingGod be God, and so embracing the Redeemer’s agen-da.

Leisure time and personal connecting—like con-trol, money, vindication, power, success, being loved,health, significant accomplishment, and the like—areseductive and dangerous masters. When thwarted,their anger takes a thousand forms, sometimes show-ing its face openly, sometimes hiding. But when tyrantlusts are overthrown by grace, then rest, intimacy, andthe like simply become good gifts. They are gifts togive away to others in the true freedom of the “goldenrule”; they are gifts to enjoy when we receive them.They are nothing to live for, to claim, to need, to longfor, to organize life around. God has good things instore for His children. The best gift is freedom fromthe guilt and dominion of sin in order to know GodHimself. Along the way, He will give the true versionof every lesser good sooner or later.

Walking by Faith

In James 3-4 the Holy Spirit repeatedly calls us tostand before the mirror and to see what is true. Herepeatedly beckons us with promises: “God givesmore grace. He opposes the proud, but gives grace tothe humble.” Let those words be stamped on yourheart. Faith takes God at His word. Imagine yourselfdown to the last $100 in your savings account. Thenext wave of bills has arrived in the mail, and must bepaid. That night your soul flutters with anxiety. You lie

Faith lives as thoughwhat God says is true.

The Journal of Biblical Counseling • Volume 16 • Number 1 • Fall 1997

41

awake, mind running in circles, calculating and recal-culating, planning and imagining. The next morning,out of the blue, your banker calls you and says,“Someone just wired $10,000 into your account. Themoney’s available, so live accordingly....Yes, it’s inyour account....No, there’s been no mistake.” Wouldyou keep worrying? Or would you get about the busi-ness of paying your bills with a glad heart? Get aboutbusiness.

Faith lives as though what God says is true.12 Goddoes give more grace to the humble. Humble yourself.

God does oppose proud warmakers. Come out withyour hands up and surrender. He truly forgives thosewho open their eyes to their sins. Stop, open youreyes, confess. He sealed His promise in the blood ofJesus. Count on it. He actually gives the Holy Spirit toHis children who ask. Ask. “If any of you lacks wis-dom, let him ask of God who gives to all men gener-ously and without reproach” (James 1:5). Askunafraid, knowing your need. “You do not have

because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive,because you ask...to spend it on what pleases you”(James 4:3). Ask, repenting of your lusts. God Himselfwill empower fruit-bearing. He gives wisdom to walkin the image of Jesus Christ.

The humble faith that makes for peace is just asobjective as the proud craving that makes for conflicts.Many people view faith as their feelings of trust, confi-dence, peacefulness, contentment, happiness. Manypeople view prayer as an experience of certain reli-giously colored emotions: fervency, stillness, joy, fa-miliar comfort. Such feelings are sometimes associat-ed with faith and prayer, but the Psalms illustrate howthe faith that talks to God can express itself in manydifferent feeling states, some pleasant, some ratherunpleasant. And we should never forget that manyforms of falsehood may feel peaceful or fervent orconfident. The state of your emotions is no accurateregister of whether you are actually relying on God.

The essence of living faith is something differentthan any particular experience: seek the true God whospeaks truth. Faith takes God at His word and acts onit. There is nothing so unexperiential, unmystical, andunsentimental as faith. But robust, straightforward,simple faith is powerful. Relate your life to God inChrist, and He will rearrange your life. Take God atHis word. To get to the heart of conflict you must seekGod. And if you seek, you will find. And you’llchange, because living faith can never prove fruitless:“the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown inpeace by those who make peace” (James 3:18).

To get to the heart of conflictyou must seek God.

12I am indebted to Bob DeMoss for this phrase, and for themetaphor in the preceding paragraph.

42

The Journal of Biblical Counseling • Volume 16 • Number 1 • Fall 1997