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Featured in this Podcast:
Alasdair Groves
Executive Director
Topics:
Communication, Relationships
Transcript
I’m sure we’ve all had the experience of getting a line from a song stuck in your head. Sometimes you actually get a line stuck in your head from other things too, don’t we? From a movie or a book, and I got lines stuck in my head from an essay probably a little over 10 years ago now and it keeps coming back to me. And the line is this, and it’s what I want to spend our time thinking about today, it’s: “Honesty in the raw is always perverted by the insanity of sin.” Let me say that again: “Honesty in the raw is always perverted by the insanity of sin.” Now, I first thought when I read that in the essay it was in by my colleague, David Powlison, 10 years ago was, “Wait? What? What do you mean honesty in the raw is a bad thing? Aren’t we supposed to be honest? Isn’t it a good thing to be honest and immediate and to say what we really think and to be authentic?” Well, my goal for today is to let that little spark of a question, the little mental pebble in my shoe for the last 10 years, lead us into a brief consideration of what really is biblical honesty. What really is honesty that the Scriptures would encourage us toward?
Well, let me start by giving a little context for that particular quote. It’s from an article that David Powlison, our former executive director at CCEF and a long-time faculty member here, it’s from an article he wrote on Psalm 119, and it’s all about: how do we engage honestly with the Lord in the midst of suffering? The article’s title is “Suffering and Psalm 119.” We’ll actually make that a free on our webpage next to this podcast until the next episode goes up. So if you want to read that article, I highly recommend it. We won’t be getting into most of the article here. It’s one of the most impacting articles I have ever read, up there with “The Weight of Glory” by C.S. Lewis. But anyhow, he’s talking about how we talk about the things that hurt.
Let me read us a brief excerpt from the essay containing the line I mentioned.
“Psalm 119 is the thoughtful outcry that rises when real life meets real God. It’s not just naked candor. That’s important to notice. Raw honesty is always perverted by the insanity of sin. Should you get in touch with your feelings and say what you really think? That will always prove revealing, of course, and you do need to face yourself and your world, acknowledging what is going on. And the opposites of unblunted honesty are other madnesses: indifference, busyness, stoicism, niceness, ignorance, self-deception or denial. But how on earth will you interpret what you feel? Is what you really think true? Where will you go with it? Where is it heading? Honesty in the raw always smells. It’s godless, willful, opinionated, self-centered, and truth to tell, personal honesty never actually faces reality if it does not simultaneously face God. You can be frank and frankly wrong. A fool finds no pleasure in understanding, but delights in airing his own opinions (Proverbs 18:2). But Psalm 119 is different. It demonstrates the salvation of honesty. When you simultaneously face yourself, your circumstances, and the God who speaks, then even the most painful sharp-edged honesty takes on the fragrance and sanity of Jesus.”
Here’s the core point I want us to draw from this initial listening to David’s words. It’s this: the things that just spill out of us, especially when we are feeling upset, are not going to tend to be very godly in their content or their tone for that matter. Now, does this mean we should get ourselves together before we go to the Lord? Of course not! He already knows the problems with our heart before we even put them into words. We can’t hide our hearts from him and we shouldn’t try. It simply means that when we bring our unfiltered heart to God, as he urges us to do, we should expect that the words of our prayer are going to need corrections and help and growth.
What I want to focus the rest of our time on, however, is actually how we do honesty with other people. Now in fleshing this out, rather than reading through all of Psalm 119, the longest chapter of the Bible, I want to focus us in actually just on two verses in the book of Ephesians that speak to this question of biblical honesty, of biblical truth. The first is quite well known, the second less so.
Let me start with Ephesians 4:15, which really sets the core framework for how we are to use our words. It says that we are to speak truth in love. Speak truth in love. And that framework says something very important, both explicitly and implicitly, which is this: you cannot separate truth and love and have them truly exist separate from each other. We must speak words that are true, and they must be words that are loving. And it is frighteningly easy to at least attempt to pull those apart, isn’t it? Self-righteousness so easily says, “Well, what I’m saying is factually accurate. What I’m saying is true in the sense that it’s describing things that are real and therefore it doesn’t matter if I hurt people. It doesn’t matter what my motivation is. I get to say what I want to say because it’s in some sense accurate.” On the flip side, the fear of man (“What will people think of me?”) so easily tries to remove truth from the equation and just be loving. If I’m just nice enough and, “Well, I wouldn’t want to say that because that would hurt someone’s feelings.” How easily some of our temptations to feel good about ourselves, whether because we’re making a good impression on someone or because darn it we have the moral high ground, if we separate truth and love, or if we try to, we end up losing both. Truth without love ceases to be true in the deepest sense, just as love without truth ceases to be loving in the deepest sense.
Now keep going through the chapter. A few verses later you get to Ephesians 4:29, and I think it adds enormously helpful practical flesh onto this idea of what does it mean to be biblically honest, to speak truth lovingly. Ephesians 4:29: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Think about the core distinction in that verse. On the one hand you have words that tear down, words that corrupt. I mean, think about: What is corrupting? What does corrupting mean? It means something that comes into something else and starts to tear it apart. You know, when bacteria corrupts food, it starts to poison it and makes it, rather than being nutritious, it makes it actually going to make you sick or potentially fatal if it’s bad enough. Corrupting of a file on a computer destroys the file, something that comes in from the outside and wrecks it. That’s not what we want our words to do. We don’t want our words to come in and to destroy people. We want instead our words to build up as the verse puts it, or to edify, as other translations say, to give grace to those who hear. If we are people of the God of grace, if we serve the God of grace, if the words of God and the word of God is utterly full of grace, then any true words we say ought to be full of grace as well. They ought to be targeted to build up the people to whom we are speaking.
And that leaves us with this really important phrase, kind of in the middle of that second stretch there: that our words ought to fit the occasion. And I think it’s here that maybe most of all it’s easy to go wrong. So often we might think, “Okay, well I have words that I want to say,” or maybe even, “I have words that so-and-so needs to hear,” but we don’t think about the occasion. We don’t think about where is this person? What are they likely to hear? Have I prayed over these words before I speak them? Is my heart in the right place? Is this the right time? What are the right words that will help in this particular moment?
As a parent, it makes me think of times when I’ve chastised a child in a moment where they were not well set up to hear it at all. They are in the midst of a fight with a sibling and they’re in the middle of a tearful sense of injustice and they’re frustrated and their toy just got broken or taken, or something unkind has been said about them and they’re furious over the matter, and instead of trying to lovingly settle them and come back and have a conversation when they’re going to be in a better place to hear important critique constructively, important rebuke, important reframing, and perspective giving, I launch right in and I go after them and usually it’s because I’m frustrated that I’m having to deal with this situation. My heart is rarely in the right place in the middle of those moments. Their mind is not in a good place. Their emotions are not in a good place. My words might be in one sense accurate that they need to understand, “You know what? What you said to your sister wasn’t very nice and that might have something to do with her response to you, even if what she did was wrong.” But if I am offering those words in the moment of high emotion, I am not picking a good opportunity to build you up. I am not giving you a good sense of what the occasion is. Or let me put that differently, I am not choosing my words to fit this particular occasion.
I know lots of marriages, including my own, in many seasons, currently included, where we’ve just said, “You know what? It’s pretty rare that good and helpful, wise and loving conflict resolution happens after 10:30 PM.” You know, what’s going to fit the occasion at 11:00 PM when you’re both exhausted and trying to get to bed and you’ve got to get up the next morning… probably not the best time in general for a long weighty conversation about matters that need serious engagement. So think about the occasion. Think about the context. Think about what you are doing. And think about how different that is from honesty in the raw. Honesty in the raw is likely to say factually accurate things and to do that in a way that corrupts and tears down.
I mean, think about Job’s friends. They say lots of true things to Job. God is good. God is just. He punishes sin. Those are all true. And though they also did say some untrue things, the vast majority of the things they say are accurate, but they do it in a way that is crushing to their friend, that is trying to push him towards a foolish and needless repentance.
Think about speaking in anger. Words like, “I hate you.” That word might be an accurate description of your emotion in the moment, but that is a horribly corrupting word to speak to another person. Think about blame shifting. “Yeah well you always do the same thing and you do it worse.” Well you know what? That might be largely true. Okay, “always” is an exaggeration, but there might be a lot of truth and accuracy to the fact that you do in fact do the same thing and in fact you may do it worse, but is that, especially in the tone you just heard me deliver it, is that biblical honesty? No, far from it. It is honesty in the raw trying to evade my own responsibility in the moment. There may be a time to discuss what you do, but it’s not when my concerns and my failures and my sins and my need to repent are on the plate in front of us.
Think about self-pity. “Oh, of course, yet another thing would go wrong today. It’s so not fair that I have to deal with this right now.” Well, it may not be in one sense fair. It may be yet another thing. And yet your words can so easily produce a snowball in yourself that can be used to manipulate others, and so on. Think about Satan. He says to Jesus, “Throw yourself down and you won’t be harmed. The angels will protect you from the stones below.” He quotes Scripture. What could be more accurate factually than to quote Scripture to someone? Yet Satan does it in a horribly twisted way that is the definition of perverted and insane.
This means that actually sometimes silence may be the thing that is most honest and most fits the occasion. It also doesn’t mean that you can’t confront someone. I’m not saying, “Oh yeah, your job is just to make the other person feel good with your words and only speak if you think you have something nice to say.” No, sometimes we have to speak words that are very uncomfortable to hear and usually when you do, those words are uncomfortable to say. The point is simply this: when we use words, biblical honesty is more than simply factually accurate statements. It is statements that are accurate and statements that are made in love. Statements that are made because they will build up, because they will give grace, because they will fit the occasion.
So here’s the bottom line. If we want to speak truth in love, if we want to do Ephesians 4:15 and 4:29, then anytime we hear ourselves saying, “Hey, I’m just being honest,” it’s probably a good guess that we’re doing honesty in the raw rather than honesty that is biblically loving. It means that when we think about the other person and the occasion, we ask: “What is most helpful to say right now? Is this the moment for me to speak the words that I’m wanting to?”
And on the flip side or the follow-up of that, if there is something hard I need to say, let me seek out a wise occasion to do that. Let me be proactive and thoughtful about when and how I say these words. If there’s something on my mind let me be especially careful to find a good occasion for it. Perhaps I will need to pray for courage to launch the conversation at some point and not just delay forever. That can be my temptation as a conflict avoider is to say, “Oh yeah well let me just keep thinking about that and eventually I’ll get there, but not today, and well not today again.” And so again, there’s this balance, but we want to be people who proactively seek a good occasion and pray over that occasion.
And that would be my last thought is, whenever we have words where honesty is going to be difficult, where honesty and love is going to be difficult, it is a call to prayer. And it’s a prayer both for our own hearts, that we would speak in love, that we would really have love at the center of our motivation, and it’s a call to pray for the outcome. Lord, will you help these words build up and give grace? May I find words that fit this occasion?
So let me take this last moment then and just pray for all of us as we fall into many situations in the next week where we will need to use our words in ways that are honest in the fullest, deepest, and richest biblical sense. Let’s pray.
Heavenly Father, I pray that we would be people who are honest in ways that are wise, in ways that fit the occasion, and in ways that really do flow from a love in our hearts placed there through the deepening work of your Spirit for those around us. We pray this in your name. Amen.
우리 모두 머릿속에 박힌 노래에서 대사를 얻은 경험이 있을 거예요. 가끔 다른 일 때문에 머릿속에 줄이 박히기도 하지, 안 그래? 영화나 책, 그리고 아마 10여 년 전 에세이를 보고 머릿속에 대사가 박혔는데 자꾸 생각이 난다. 핵심은 이것이고, 제가 오늘 생각해보고 싶은 것은 "생존하지 않은 정직은 항상 죄의 광기에 의해 변질된다" 입니다. 다시 한 번 말씀 드리죠. "생존하지 않은 정직은 언제나 죄의 광기로 인해 변질된다. 제 동료인 데이비드 포울리슨이 10년 전에 쓴 에세이를 읽었을 때 처음 생각한 것은 "잠깐요? 원색적인 정직이 나쁜 일이라니 무슨 말이야? 우리 솔직해져야 하는 거 아니야? 솔직하고 즉각적이며 진심을 말하는 것이 좋은 것 아니냐"고 말했다. 오늘 제 목표는 지난 10년 동안 제 신발 속에 있던 그 작은 의문점, 작은 정신적 자갈이 우리를 성경적 정직이 무엇인지에 대한 짧은 고찰로 이끄는 것입니다. 성경이 우리에게 권하는 정직은 무엇일까?
그럼, 그 특정 인용문의 맥락을 간단히 설명하겠습니다. CCEF의 전 전무이사이자 오랜 교직원이었던 데이비드 포울리슨이 시편 119에 쓴 기사에서 따온 것입니다. 그리고 이 모든 것은 우리가 고난 속에서 어떻게 주님과 정직하게 교전할 것인가 하는 것입니다. 그 기사의 제목은 "고통과 시편 119"이다. 다음 회가 올라갈 때까지 이 팟캐스트 옆에 있는 저희 웹페이지에서 무료로 해드리겠습니다. 그래서 만약 당신이 그 기사를 읽고 싶다면, 나는 그것을 강력히 추천해요. 여기서는 기사 대부분을 다루지 않겠습니다. C.S.의 "영광의 무게"와 함께 제가 읽은 기사 중 가장 인상적인 기사 중 하나입니다. 루이스, 어쨌든, 그는 우리가 아픈 것들에 대해 어떻게 이야기하는지 말하고 있어.
제가 언급한 대사가 포함된 에세이의 발췌문을 간단히 읽어보겠습니다.
"시편 119는 실제 삶이 진짜 하나님을 만날 때 일어나는 사려 깊은 외침입니다. 그냥 벌거벗은 솔직함만이 아니야 그건 알아둬야 할 사항입니다. 원초적인 정직은 언제나 죄의 광기로 인해 변질된다. 당신은 당신의 감정을 접촉하고 당신의 진짜 생각을 말해야 하는가? 물론 그것은 항상 드러날 것이고, 당신은 당신 자신과 당신의 세계를 마주할 필요가 있습니다. 무슨 일이 일어나고 있는지 인정하면서 말이죠. 그리고 굴하지 않는 정직의 반대는 다른 광기들이다: 무관심, 분주함, 극기심, 친절함, 무지함, 자기 기만 또는 부정. 하지만 당신은 도대체 어떻게 당신이 느끼는 것을 해석할 건가요? 당신이 생각하는 것이 정말 사실인가요? 어디로 갈 건데? 어디로 가는 거야? 원색적인 솔직함은 항상 냄새가 난다. 신과 동시에 마주하지 않는다면 개인의 정직은 결코 현실을 직시하지 않는다는 것은 신앙심이 없고, 고집이 세고, 자기중심적이며, 진실이다. 솔직하고 솔직히 틀릴 수 있어요. 바보는 이해하는 데서 즐거움을 찾지 못하고 자기 의견을 드러내는 것을 즐거워한다. 그러나 시편 119는 다르다. 그것은 정직의 구원을 보여준다. 여러분이 여러분 자신과 여러분의 환경과 말하는 하나님을 동시에 대면할 때, 가장 날카로운 날의 정직함조차도 예수님의 향기와 제정신을 떠맡습니다."
데이비드의 말을 처음 들으면서 우리가 끌어냈으면 하는 핵심이 여기에 있습니다. 바로 이것입니다: 우리로 부터 쏟아지는 것들, 특히 우리가 화가 났을 때, 그 문제에 대한 내용이나 어조가 매우 경건하지 않은 경향이 있습니다. 주님께 가기 전에 마음을 추스려야 한다는 뜻인가요? 당연히 그러면 안된다! 그는 우리가 말로 표현하기도 전에 이미 우리 마음의 문제들을 알고 있다. 우리는 그에게서 우리의 마음을 숨길 수 없고, 시도도 하지 말아야 해요. 단순히 하나님께서 우리에게 권하시는 대로 우리의 여과되지 않은 마음을 하나님께 가져 올 때, 우리가 기도한 말씀에 교정과 도움과 성장이 필요할 것으로 기대해야 한다는 뜻이다.
하지만 제가 남은 시간 동안 집중하고 싶은 것은 우리가 다른 사람들에게 정직하게 대하는 방법입니다. 이제 이것을 구체화하는데 있어서, 성경의 가장 긴 장인 시편 119편을 다 읽기 보다는, 실제로 성경적 정직, 성경적 진리의 이 문제에 대해 말하는 에베소서들의 단 두 구절에 초점을 맞추고 싶습니다. 첫 번째는 꽤 잘 알려져 있고, 두 번째는 덜 알려져 있다.
에베소서 4장 15절부터 시작하겠습니다. 이 내용은 우리가 어떻게 말을 사용해야 하는지에 대한 핵심 틀을 정합니다. 사랑으로 진실을 말하라고 쓰여 있어요. 사랑으로 진실을 말하다. 그리고 그 틀은 명백하게나 암묵적으로나 매우 중요한 것을 말합니다. 진리와 사랑은 분리될 수 없고 서로로부터 실제로 분리될 수 없습니다. 우리는 진실한 말을 해야 하고, 사랑하는 말이어야 합니다.
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JBC Vol. 35 · No. 3 Articles
Benediction: Living under God's Good Word
by Michael R. Emlet
When a minister lifts his hands and speaks a blessing from Scripture to God’s people, what is happening? The word benediction means “well-saying.” It is not found in Scripture but the concept is clearly present. A benediction is a blessing pronounced by one person upon another that originates with God himself. Read more
Free Editorial Article
What My Father Has Joined
by Aaron Sironi
Would you be surprised to learn that God’s principle aim for marriage is not personal fulfillment and happiness? Rather, God’s intent is to create an outward-facing unity that enables a couple to serve together in his kingdom. Read more
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Counseling Harmed Spouses as They Contemplate Divorce
by Darby Strickland
How do you counsel a harmed spouse who is considering divorce? Once the biblical grounds for ending the marriage have been established by the counselee’s church, Strickland recommends you work through four counseling priorities with the harmed spouse. Read more
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Three Recent Books on Narcissism and Spiritual Abuse in Church Leadership
by Michael Gembola
This is an essay review of three books on the important topic of narcissism and spiritual abuse in church leadership. The books are: When Narcissism Comes to Church by Chuck DeGroat, A Church Called Tov by Scot McKnight and Laura Barringer, and Redeeming Power: Understanding Authority and Abuse in the Church by Diane Langberg. Read more
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About the JBC
For more than 40 years, CCEF’s Journal of Biblical Counseling has provided a forum for the development of clear thinking and effective practice in biblical counseling. We do this by publishing articles that faithfully bring the God of truth, mercy, and power to the issues that face pastoral ministries of counseling and discipleship.
Our late senior editor David Powlison wrote, “CCEF works and prays to restore Christ to counseling—and to restore counseling to the church. The Journal of Biblical Counseling serves this mission as a publishing ministry of CCEF. We believe that true, life-explaining insight into people necessarily involves thinking Christianly. Loving, lasting help necessarily involves practicing ‘counseling’ as one aspect of consciously Christian ministry. The deeper you gaze into what actually goes wrong with people—the weight of our sins and sorrows—the more clearly you see that Jesus Christ is essential to making it right.”
Journal articles cover a broad range of biblical counseling and methodology topics. Many are written by CCEF faculty including Ed Welch, David Powlison, Michael Emlet, Julie Lowe, Todd Stryd and others. We also welcome articles from other authors, pastors, and practitioners in the field.
David Powlison was the senior editor of the JBC from 1992 until his death in 2019.
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Senior Editorial Board: Michael R. Emlet,
J. Alasdair Groves, and Edward T. Welch
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Consulting Editor: Michael Gembola
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Proofreader: Bruce E. Eaton
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인쇄 구독(미국/캐나다)
연간 36달러
인쇄 구독
(국제)
연간 42달러
기관 등록 옵션
기관 인쇄(보관 권한 없음)
인쇄 구독(미국/캐나다)
연간 52달러
인쇄 구독(국제)
연간 55달러
JBC 제35호 · 제3조
축복: 하느님의 선한 말씀 아래 사는 것
마이클 R.에 의해.에 의해. 에믈렛
목회자가 손을 들어 하나님의 백성에게 성경의 복을 말할 때 무슨 일이 일어나는 것입니까? 축복이라는 단어는 "좋은 말"을 의미합니다. 그것은 성경에 나와 있지 않지만 그 개념은 분명히 존재한다. 축도는 하나님과 함께 기원하는 축복을 말한다. 더 읽기
무료 논설 기사
아버지가 가입한 것
애런 시로니 작
결혼에 대한 하나님의 원칙이 개인적인 성취와 행복이 아니라는 것을 알게 되면 놀랄 것인가? 오히려 하나님의 의도는 그의 나라에서 부부가 함께 섬길 수 있게 하는 외향적 연합을 만드는 것입니다. 더 읽기
미리보기 읽기
이혼을 고민하는 배우자에게 피해를 주는 상담
다비 스트릭랜드에 의해
이혼을 고려하고 있는 피해 배우자에게 어떻게 상담할 수 있나요? 일단 내담자의 교회가 결혼생활을 끝낼 수 있는 성경적 근거가 마련되면 스트릭랜드는 피해 배우자와 함께 네 가지 상담 우선순위를 통해 일할 것을 권한다. 더 읽기
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교회 리더십의 나르시즘과 영적 학대에 관한 최근 세 권의 책
Michael Gembola에 의해
교회 리더십의 나르시시즘과 영적 학대라는 중요한 주제를 다룬 책 3권의 에세이 리뷰다. 책은 다음과 같다. 나르시시즘이 교회에 왔을 때, 스코트 맥나이트와 로라 배링거의 토브라고 불리는 교회와 다이앤 랭버그의 권위와 교회의 학대를 이해하는 교회. 더 읽기
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JBC Volume 35:3 (2021) PDF
성경 상담 저널 35장 3절의 디지털판을 구입하세요. 더 읽기
$5.00
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JBC 권 35:3 (2021) 인쇄
성경 상담 저널 35장 3절 인쇄판을 구입하세요. 더 읽기
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CCEF 성서상담저널은 40여년 동안 성서상담에 있어 명확한 사고와 효과적인 실천의 발전을 위한 장을 제공해 왔다. 우리는 목회가 당면한 상담과 제자 사역에 진실과 자비, 권능의 하나님을 충실히 모시는 기사를 내면서 이를 실천한다.
고인이 된 데이비드 포울리슨 편집장은 "CCEF는 그리스도를 상담으로 회복시키고 교회에 상담을 회복하기 위해 일하고 기도한다. 성경 상담 저널은 CCEF의 출판 사역으로서 이 임무를 수행하고 있다. 우리는 사람에 대한 진실하고 삶을 설명하는 통찰은 반드시 기독교적으로 생각하는 것을 수반한다고 믿는다. 사랑스럽고 지속적인 도움은 필연적으로 의식적으로 기독교 사역의 한 측면으로서 '상담'을 실천하는 것을 포함한다. 사람들이 실제로 잘못되는 것, 즉 우리의 죄와 슬픔의 무게를 더 깊이 들여다볼수록 예수 그리스도가 그것을 올바르게 만드는 데 필수적이라는 것을 더 명확하게 알 수 있습니다."
저널 기사는 광범위한 성경 상담과 방법론 주제를 다룬다. 에드 웰치, 데이비드 포울리슨, 마이클 에믈렛, 줄리 로우, 토드 스트리드 등을 포함한 많은 CCEF 교수진이 집필했다. 다른 작가, 목회자, 현장의 실무자들이 보내온 글도 환영한다.
데이비드 포울리슨은 1992년부터 2019년 사망할 때까지 JBC의 선임 편집자였다.
편집진
선임 논설위원: Michael R. 에믈렛,
J. 알라스데어 그로브스와 에드워드 T. 웰치
편집기 관리: 킴벌리 먼로
개발 편집자: 로렌 휘트먼
컨설팅 편집기: 마이클 젬볼라
부편집장: Brandon Peterson
교정자: 브루스 E. 이튼
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