[전통주의] Resolving Conflict Christ’s Way

Resolving ConflictChrist’s Way

by Robert D. Jones

Conflict is one of the most painfulaspects of our fallen world. Perhapsno sort of problem troubles us more.When sinners like you and I rub shoulderswith other sinners, we encounter conflict.Whether at home, in our workplace, or evenat church, disputes frequently arise. Unre-solved conflicts come in many shapes andsizes: Husband-wife, parent-child, brother-sister, supervisor-employee, or churchmember-member. They mark, and mar,many of our relationships.

However, the Bible has plenty to offer forresolving conflicts. Let’s consider three gen-eral principles, along with some practicallessons under each. These truths promisenot only to transform the way you handleyour conflicts, but also to help you to helpothers resolve theirs.

Principle 1: God Calls You to PursuePeace in All Your Relationships

No text expresses this call better thanRomans 12:18, “If it is possible, as far as itdepends on you, live at peace with every-one.” The apostle Paul urges you to pursuepeace with everyone and resolve every con-flict.

The context of this call is crucial to see.Romans 12 opens by reminding us of God’ssaving mercy in Jesus Christ (“Therefore, I

The Journal of Biblical Counseling • Volume 19 • Number 1 • Fall 2000

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urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy,”v. 1), the saving mercy expounded inRomans 1-11. In Romans 12, the apostle tellsus what we should be and do as a result ofwhat God has done to save us.

The order here is critical. We love andobey God because He first loved us. We pur-sue peace with others because God first rec-onciled us to Himself. Just as God, throughthe cross, made vertical peace between Him-self and us, so He calls his sons and daugh-ters to make horizontal peace with others.God’s “verse 1 mercy” propels our “verse 18peacemaking.” The gospel drives ourefforts.

What does Romans 12:18 teach aboutresolving conflicts? First, you are responsibleto live at peace with others. The command isclear; the responsibility is yours. Jesusimposes the same duty in His teaching, andHe commands you to take the initiative inreconciling relationships. Whether you arethe offending party (Matt. 5:23-26) or theoffended party (Matt. 18:15-17; Luke 17:3-4),Christ calls you to go to the other person, tointerface with him. The fact that these textsalso call the other person to go to you mustnot excuse your delay (“he started it, let himcome to me”). You are not responsible forhis actions; you are responsible for yours—”as far as it depends on you.” Let nothingderail your pursuit of peace.

Second, remember that God does not guaran-tee the outcome. Here the Bible is utterly real-

Robert D. Jones is Pastor of Grace Fellowship Church,Hurricane, West Virginia.

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istic: “If it is possible” means that it might not be possi-ble, despite your best efforts. By prefacing his com-mand with “As far as it depends on you,” Paul con-cedes, as the saying goes, that “it takes two to tango.”Since God does not promise you reconciliation in everysituation, don’t live for it. As I frequently remind thoseI counsel, “Never put your hope in what God has notguaranteed!”

How comforting this truth can be when your sin-cere reconciliation efforts have failed! It is entirely pos-

sible that you will do everything God wants you to do,and still have remaining conflicts. I’ve seen manysinned-against spouses make great efforts to reconcilewith their mates, but to no avail. But rest assured; Godis pleased. Even if the other person does not recipro-cate, the Lord promises you His blessing and comfort.“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be calledsons of God” (Matt. 5:9).

At the same time, this truth, that our peacemakingefforts might fail, tests our faith and exposes our hearts.We must learn to let go of our subtle demand—ouridolatrous desire—that all our relationships be fixed.Even God’s perfectly obedient Son did not experiencethat; neither will you. Here your thinking must be pre-cise. You must repent, not for wanting reconciliation,but for demanding it. Instead, you must entrust to yoursovereign, loving God both the other person and theoutcome of the conflict situation. To learn contentmentamid unreconciled relationships becomes part of theVinedresser’s agenda for you.

Third, you must seek to reconcile with everyone withwhom you have conflict. The Romans 12:18 exhortation iscomprehensive: You must seek to live at peace “witheveryone.” God does not allow you the luxury of ignor-ing even one relationship. You cannot exclude anyonefrom your peacemaking agenda.

This challenges me as a husband and parent. I mustnot overlook family tensions. If one of my children hassomething against me, I cannot write it off with a sim-ple, “he’ll get over it, he’ll grow up.” This challengesme as a church member and pastor. If I hear that I mayhave offended someone, God does not allow me toavoid the matter or to let the person slip away withoutcontact.

Given these truths, it is no wonder that biblical con-flict resolution requires the help of the Holy Spirit. Youand I need God’s gracious wisdom and power. Thesame Jesus Christ who died and rose to save His believ-ing people from their sins calls believers in Him to seekpeace in all their relationships. Remember Romans12:18, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, liveat peace with everyone.”

Principle 2: God Teaches You How to View Conflicts

Once you are committed to pursuing peace, youmust adopt three crucial perspectives in order toresolve conflicts in Christlike ways. Since the way youview something will direct the way you deal with it,before you deal with conflicts biblically you must viewthem biblically.

First, realize that conflicts are sinful; therefore, resolvethem! Conflicts displease God. They arise from self-cen-tered hearts. They involve hurtful words and actions.They alienate and separate people. They violate biblicalteaching about love, unity, harmony, anger, bitterness,and so on. They produce distance, disunity, and dishar-mony.

In light of this, God calls you to resolve conflictsactively, diligently, and quickly. Conflict resolutionrequires hard work. You must “pursue” peace (2 Tim.2:22; Rom. 14:19); that is, you must go after it, track itdown, hunt for it. Peacemaking is not optional. “Makeevery effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through thebond of peace” (Eph. 4:3).

Second, realize that conflicts are inevitable; therefore,expect them! Why? Because we are fallen sinners livingwith other fallen sinners in a fallen world. Throughoutthe New Testament, Jesus and His apostles assume thatsinners (as we are) will have fights with each other.

Reader, if you are honest, you will admit that this istrue in every area of your life. You have had, and willhave, conflict in your marriage, family life, work worldand local church. No relationship or sphere of lifeunder God’s sun is conflict-free.

For example, hear J. C. Ryle’s first two rules for ahappy marriage: “The first is to marry only in theLord....The second is not to expect too much from theirpartners, and to remember that marriage is, after all,the union of two sinners, and not of two angels....”1

Elisabeth Elliot makes the same point: “When sinfulpeople live in the same world, and especially whenthey work in the same office or sleep in the same bed,they sin against each other. Troubles arise. Some ofthose troubles are very serious and not subject to easy

1J. C. Ryle, Expository Thoughts on the Gospel of Mark (Carlisle,PA: Banner of Truth, 1985, first publication 1857), p. 200.

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solutions.” The good news? She continues, “Godknows all about them, and knew about them longbefore they happened. He made provision for them.”2

This perspective can comfort you the next time aconflict tempts you to give up a relationship. Can youimagine Adam and Eve, upon their fall into sin, ques-tioning whether they should have ever married:“Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea; maybe we madea mistake.” No! Their marriage, more than any mar-riage since, was truly “a marriage made in heaven.” Itwas hand-fashioned by God Himself. Yet, turn just one

Peacemaking is not optional.

page from this Genesis 2 perfect marriage to Genesis 3,and we see them in conflict with God and with eachother. In fact, the whole Bible from Genesis 3 throughRevelation 22 describes our human disharmony andthe Redeemer’s plan of reconciliation that leads to aglorious restoration of our relationship with God andour fellow Christians.

Jay Adams applies the same truth to dealing withour sinful children:

Parents certainly can take a lot of the unneces-sary grief out of child-raising when, as a matterof course (rather than becoming falsely shockedover the fact), they expect their children to dowrong things at home, at school, and in public.There is then no necessity to subject children tounusual and inappropriate discipline or to theexcessive anger that sometimes grows out ofembarrassment. Once parents are prepared toadmit that the biblical doctrine of original sin istrue not only in theory, but is operative as wellin the life of little Mary or Johnny, they can relaxand deal with the problem appropriately (bibli-cally).3

Third, realize that conflicts are opportunities; therefore,seize them! God sovereignly allows conflicts to make uslike Jesus. They are part of the “all things” spoken of inRomans 8:28 that God is working together for yourgood. Of course, verse 29 defines the “good” as Christ-likeness, not circumstantial improvement or repairedrelationships. In a conflict situation you have unique,special opportunities to know and trust God, and

become more like Jesus. As Wayne Mack has observed,“Whenever conflict occurs, you can assume that one orboth people need to come into a more vital relationshipwith Christ.”4

In addition, conflicts provide the opportunity tolove and serve others. Jesus calls you to love your ene-mies in passages like Luke 6:27-36. Yet, the conflict maynot always be with an “enemy.” The other party may bea parent, spouse, pastor, or co-worker. In cases likethis—not uncommon in my own home—the Lord callsus to learn how to love and serve the other person. “Foreven the Son of Man did not come to be served, but toserve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Mark10:45).

How should you look at today’s conflicts? They aresinful; therefore, resolve them! They are inevitable;therefore, expect them! And they are opportunities;therefore, seize them!

Principle 3: God Directs You How to ResolveConflicts

Having seen your responsibility to resolve conflictsand having gained a proper view of them, now consid-er the three biblical steps you must take to resolvethem.

First, commit yourself to pleasing God in the conflict sit-uation. Make sure that your all-consuming goal is toplease God, not yourself or even the other person (in anappeasing way). “So we make it our goal to pleasehim” (2 Cor. 5:9). In response to Christ’s compellinglove, believers “should no longer live for themselvesbut for him who died for them and was raised again”(2 Cor. 5:14,15).

What does it mean to please God? Simply put, itmeans seeking to bring Him delight by being anddoing what He desires. It requires obeying His Word (1Thess. 4:1, 2), by depending on His power (Heb.13:20,21). It involves both your heart and your behavior(Ps. 19:14). It follows the path of Jesus, who soughtnever to please Himself, but His Heavenly Father (John5:30, 8:29; Rom. 15:3).

Adopting this goal of pleasing God amid conflictcarries many powerful implications. For one, it willpace your reconciliation efforts in terms of timing, ener-gy, risk, etc. If you tend to act rashly or blow up angri-ly, then a commitment to please God will harness you.If, however, you tend to withdraw, procrastinate, oravoid conflict, then this commitment will push you.

Using Jean Fleming’s theatrical illustration, Jesus

2Elisabeth Elliot, Trusting God in a Twisted World (Old Tappan,NJ: Fleming H. Revell, 1989), p. 96.
3Jay E. Adams, Christian Living in the Home (Phillipsburg, NJ:P & R, 1972), p. 12.

4Wayne Mack, from lecture series, “Conflict Resolution inMarriage,” given at 14th Annual NANC Conference, 1989.Available on audio tape from Sound Word Associates.

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must be both your director and your audience.5 As yourdirector, He alone can dictate your behavior and call theshots. But that’s not enough. He must also be youraudience—the only One you seek to please; the Onewhose acceptance you most cherish; the One whose“well done, good and faithful servant” affirmation sat-isfies; and the only One whose smile or frown ultimate-ly matters.

Since those ungodly root desires inevitably produceungodly fruit behavior, you must also confess your sin-ful words and actions to God and to the person youhave offended. Our Lord Jesus put it this way, “Why doyou look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eyeand pay no attention to the plank in your owneye?...You hypocrite, first take the plank out of yourown eye, and then you will see clearly to remove thespeck from your brother’s eye” (Matt. 7:3-5).

The order here is crucial. You must begin with yourplanks; that is, your sinful words and actions that con-tributed to the conflict. Even if your offenses may beobjectively less serious than those of your opponent,Jesus calls you to look upon yours as more serious.Yours are planks; his are specks.

This issue of perspective, or relative weight, is criti-cal to understanding and applying Jesus’ words. Sup-pose in the course of conversation I speak unkindly toHarry and he responds by hitting me in the head witha chair, knocking me unconscious. Witnesses phone 911for help. The police haul Harry to jail while the para-medics haul me to the hospital.

What do I report to my friends who visit me in thehospital? My natural tendency is to tell everyone howsinfully Harry treated me. With a bandaged mouth Imight mutter some expletives about this man. I mightbe quick to report his actions, while omitting admissionof my own sinful speech that provoked him. Objective-ly, of course, one could argue that his sin was worsethan mine—criminally so, in fact.

But for me to draw that conclusion would miss thepoint of Jesus’ words. From my perspective, I must lookat my sin as serious—a plank—and Harry’s as minor—a speck. Instead of dwelling on Harry’s sin, I mustdwell on my own: “I can’t believe I spoke that way toHarry. How wicked of me. I was wrong to pierce Harrywith my reckless words” (as in Proverbs 12:18). “I havetaken the tongue God gave me for praising Him andhave used it to curse others instead” (as spoken of inJames 3:9-12). I must recognize that God wants me to goto Harry and seek his forgiveness for my ungodlyspeech. After that, if he remains unrepentant, I canbroach the subject of his violent behavior.

Consider this penetrating question to help youexpose the dynamic. Whose sin bothers you the most—yours or the other person’s? God has used this questionon more than one occasion to bring me to my sensesand to regain His perspective. Your answer will indi-cate how well you grasp Jesus’ log vs. speck rebuke.

Once you see your sinful offenses, how do youmake them right? First, go directly to God throughChrist in prayer. Confess your sin and receive His fulland free forgiveness through Christ’s blood (1 John 1:9;

Second, repent and seek forgiveness from God and theother person for your contribution to the conflict. Thisbegins with repenting to God of the sinful, rulingdesires that caused the conflict. “What causes fights andquarrels among you? Don’t they come from yourdesires that battle within you?” (James 4:1). Conflictscome from the heart. They arise because I want some-thing (even a legitimate, good item) so badly that I sinto get it. These inordinate desires and heart idols fuelevery fight and quarrel we have. I know this is true inmy home; the same is also true in yours. “Rend yourheart and not your garments. Return to the Lord yourGod” (Joel 2:12,13).

Jack and Jill’s explosive fight illustrates this. Jackcomes home and yells at Jill for not keeping the houseclean or disciplining the kids better: “All I want is tocome home to a peaceful house. Is that too much toask?” Jill yells back, then withdraws with bitter mutter-ings under her breath about Jack being critical andunsupportive of her: “If only I had a husband whoaccepts me as I am. I need him to love me uncondition-ally, not attack me all the time!”

Do you hear the demanding hearts behind their sin-ful speech? They yell at each other simply because theyare not getting what they want. Jack craves comfort andtranquility—a peaceful home. Jill craves acceptanceand affirmation—unconditional love. While in onesense neither of these is a bad desire, they have becomeinordinate and controlling. Jack and Jill must repent ofthe way that getting peace and being loved have cap-tured their hearts. They must instead live for the Lordand serve each other.

5Jean Fleming, Between Walden and the Whirlwind (ColoradoSprings: NavPress, 1985), p. 24.

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Ps. 32:1-2). Don’t proceed until you reconcile with theLord.

Then humbly go to the other person to confess yoursin and to ask his forgiveness (Matt. 5:23,24). In this youalso follow Paul’s model, “So I strive always to keep myconscience clear before God and man” (Acts 24:16).Humbling yourself will please God, so discharge yourconscience and open a door to reconciliation.

Third, seek to love the other person in the way that Godwants. Having dealt with your own heart idols andbehavioral planks, you must love and serve the otherperson. This begins with cultivating Christlike attitudes(Eph. 4:1-3), including graciously forgiving the person,“just as in Christ God forgave you” (4:32). It involvesthat attitudinal forgiveness of releasing bitterness fromthe heart and refusing to usurp God’s role as judge. Yet,loving your adversary may mean rebuking him (Luke17:3,4; Matt. 7:5, 18:15; Prov. 27:5,6). Then, if he is re-pentant, love involves that transacted forgiveness ofpromising never to bring up that person’s sin again.Love “keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Cor. 13:5).

Further, love means learning to listen and speak tohim in godly ways (Prov. 12:18, 18:13), and to serve himin concrete, Christlike ways (Luke 6:27-28; Rom. 12:17-21). Again, Jesus declares in Mark 10:45, “For even theSon of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, andto give his life as a ransom for many.” This Mark 10:45ministry principle can expose the selfish roots of ourconflicts and direct our paths toward concrete solu-tions.

Conclusion

Dear friend, study these three steps and the pas-sages above. Memorize the key words: Please God,Repent, and Love! While the steps are not easy, they areChrist’s way to resolve conflicts. By His grace, they areachievable.

Do you need further help? Talk today to your pas-tors or elders, or a biblical counselor, to receive practi-cal biblical help in resolving the conflicts you are hav-ing. Consider reading Ken Sande’s masterful book, ThePeacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict(Baker, 1997).6

In response to God’s saving grace, in light of HisWord, and in the power of His Spirit, may God helpyou today to do what He wants you to do to reconcileyour relationships and live at peace with everyone.

6Sande’s book is a biblically-based, practical, systematic man-ual to help you and others respond to conflicts in godly ways.Chapter 6 includes the Seven A’s of confession, a useful mem-ory aid. In addition to Sande’s book, consider the many otherhelpful conciliation resources produced by Peacemaker Min-istries (www.HisPeace.org, 406-256-1583, 1537 Avenue D, Ste.352, Billings, MT 59102).

Whose sin bothers you the most—yoursor the other person’s?

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